Cycle 13, Episode 10:  “Dive Deeper”

Original airdate:  11/4/09

Thank you ANTM. Next time I’m on the beach and I’ve drenched myself in the ocean and then rolled around in the sand (careful not to get too much of it in my string bikini) I’ll know exactly how to kneel down in said sand and arch my back as a cascade of water hits me in just the right pornographic (but not the sleazy kind) pose that the boys just love to masturbate too. (more…)

Cycle 13, Episode 9:  “Let’s Go Surfing”

Original airdate:  10/28/09

Photo credit: CW

I haven’t hidden the fact that Country Bumpkin Laura is my favorite, but you know who else is starting to crack me up? Wonk Eye Jennifer. Last week she told Rae that she really liked her because she didn’t whine about missing her baby daughter… and this week she told Erin, straight up, “I knew you were gonna be in the bottom two.” It’s that kind of oblivious bitchery disguised as helpful observations that makes her the perfect Tyra protégé. (more…)

Cycle 13, Episode 8:  “Interview 101″

Original airdate:  10/21/09

Photo credit: CW

Okay CW. I get that the advertising industry is dying. I get that there isn’t a real life Don Draper who will materialize out of the ether, soft sell goods to the masses and bring sexy back to the industry. I get that viewers are either watching shows online or fast-forwarding through the commercials. But the blatant, obnoxious product placement for Cover Girl is ridiculously over the top. (more…)

Cycle 13, Episode 7:  “Petite Ninja Warriors”

Original airdate:  10/15/09

My three favorite types of America’s Next Top Model episode segments are:

-Tyra Goes Ape Shit

-The Models Do Go-Sees

-The Fabulous Looking But Super Painful Photo Shoot Involving Wires And/Or Heights (more…)

Cycle 13, Episode 6:  “Dance With Me”

Original airdate:  10/7/09

Oh Lord! The Bankable staff has officially run out of ideas. Here’s how I imagine the conception of this episode during a meeting at Tyra’s pink, sparkly and zebra striped office (you know that’s what it looks like) where a group of producers are forced to sit on chairs that have pictures of Tyra shellacked on them as T-Bag glides above them on one of those giant gilded swing seats. (more…)

Cycle 13, Episode 5:  “Take My Photo, Tyra!”

Original airdate:  9/30/09

Guess the producers of this show have eschewed the usual ‘human interest’ angle that most reality shows use to build storylines and are just going with ‘bitch of the week’ as the time filler between Tyra’s colorful bursts of egocentric fancy. This week’s villain: Erin. Her crimes: cravenly coveting the most worthless prize on television, unsportsmanlike conduct during the dumbest race in the history of civilization (and possible before that), and suffering from an ailment known as ‘BitchFace’ in which a person’s countenance is frozen in a permanent bitchy scowl. She starts the episode by snarkily remarking that she’s glad frontrunner Brittany was in the bottom 2 last week “how the mighty have fallen”… meow! (more…)

Cycle 13, Episode 4

Original airdate:  9/23/09

Yawn… the fourth episode of the cycle focuses more on the interpersonal relationships of the contestants and less on Tyra and Co., in fact T-Bag doesn’t even show up in this episode until panels at the end (albeit, wearing a cast off from the Joan Collins Collection). I know I give Tyra a hard time but I have to admit I miss that walking sight-gag when she’s not around.  What separates this reality competition show from lesser shows (I’m looking at you, Make Me a Supermodel) is the thrill of watching Tyra’s manic, narcissistic id run amok. I seriously doubt the majority of the audience cares who wins ANTM, especially since none of the previous winners have exactly shot to superstardom. We tune in for the weekly freak show… c’mon T-Bag bring it! (more…)

Cycle 13, Episode 3

Original airdate:  9/16/09

Okay, let’s start with the non bat-shit crazy portion of the show. The Modelettes have some one-on-one face time with Noted Fashion Photographer Nigel Barker and the President of Wilhelmina Sean Patterson who -it must be said- is kind of a dick. Bianca knows she has to keep the bitchiness to a minimum so does her best to keep her mouth shut and not look like Me’Shell Ndegeocello. Cheerleader Courtney takes off her boot and is trying to walk around on her BROKEN foot without any support, it’s a supremely dumb move but her ability to model-walk through excruciating pain impresses Nigel and Sean, so, who cares about future damage?! Jennifer has Ptosis in one of her eyes, which is a condition that causes your eyelid to droop. It makes her looks like she’s trying not to fall asleep and will probably make her eyes seem lopsided in all of her pictures. I give her 2 more episodes, tops. Lulu, the lesbian from Brooklyn with a kick ass tattoo, sort of rambles during her interview and when asked to name some of her favorite photographers, she can’t name any, which was kind of awkward for Noted Fashion Photographer Nigel Barker who was sitting 4 feet away from her. But the kicker was when poor doe-eyed Wal-Mart cashier Rachel came in and said that one of her hobbies is musical theater. Sean asked her to sing for them and she blanked and couldn’t remember any songs. He kept goading her about it but she politely declined, as many nervous young women might do when interviewing for a MODELING CONTRACT. Last time I checked (which was never) modeling was primarily about being photographed in pretty clothes and not about belting the Chorus Line soundtrack! But her fate was sealed, Sean said that she “doesn’t have what it takes” and they sent her packing without so much as another chance at a photo shoot. Damn, that was cold. (more…)

Cycle 13, Episode 1 & 2

Original airdate:  9/9/09

Tyra’s back to fighting weight, the Jay’s are in top form and the models are miniature… welcome to cycle 13 of America’s Next Top Model!

Part One – Casting

Well if you haven’t heard already, the gimmick to this season is that all the contestants are 5’7 or shorter, making their eventual failure in the modeling industry a foregone conclusion (as if that wasn’t already the outcome of every contestant on this show). I hear next season will be all girls with handlebar mustaches –because, why the fuck not? Tyra and Co. are sooo proud of themselves for giving a group of women who are of average height a chance to fight over a job in an industry that pretty much wants nothing to do with them. The constant self congratulatory rhetoric goes hilariously over the top, especially when Tyra appears before the contestants dressed like a coked up witch in a Disney cartoon and addresses them in horrible French accent (for NO reason), saying things like “we have to break the box” of what is acceptable model size. I know she’s trying to make them feel more confident, but it just comes off super insulting. This season’s mantra is going be “even though you’re not exactly the modeling industry standard you’re not completely worthless, you freaky little Hobbit you.” (more…)